A Run in With the Mob

16 10 2009

Okay.  So I just got back from the Fall Festival held at B and L’s elementary school.  It’s a sweet little event that The Mother’s Club puts on every year:  cotton candy, games, hot dogs and lemonade, etc.  It’s nothing major, but the girls really enjoy it and we enjoy the opportunity to meet other parents.  The event takes place in the (very tiny) gym and to say it gets crowded is an understatement.

I helped the girls get their food and we were looking for a place to sit.  The only open seats were at a table on the opposite side of the room.  As soon as I got there, I figured out why they were open:  someone had put their sweatshirt across the bench in an effort to “save” those seats.  Well, the food line was huge, the gym was packed and there was no other place to sit.  So I looked around, shrugged my shoulders, and moved the sweatshirt out of the way so my children could sit down to eat.

About 3 minutes later I heard a booming voice behind me say, “Hey, I thought there was a sweatshirt there!”  I turned around and found my self face-to-face (actually I think it was more like my face to his left nipple) with a guy who was HUGE.  I’m saying he was probably a linebacker in his earlier days.  His head was completely shaved and he growled at me.  I think.   I’ve been trying to think of the right word to describe him and I just can’t come up with it.  Certainly not ‘gentleman’ or even ‘dude’.   No.  I think I’m gonna go with ‘thug’.  T.H.U.G.  Thug.  Yep, that’s it.  And he had a New Jersey accent, only we live in Ohio, so the whole thing didn’t make sense.  Amazing what goes through your mind as your life flashes before your eyes.  Anyway, in a voice that was so calm even I was impressed, I said, “Yes, there was a sweatshirt there, but I moved it so my children could sit down.”   Then he said, “Well, it was MINE!”  And  I handed it to him and said, “Can I help you find another seat?” then I calmly gestured to the bench behind him that had just opened up (Did I hear a hallelujah??).

Well, apparently, he didn’t want those seats.  He said, “I had this sweatshirt there because I was saving the seats.”  And I said, “In a room this packed, with a line that long, saving seats is really quite rude and inconsiderate of you.”  And my voice did not quiver one bit.  Not even one tiny bit.  I remember thinking to myself, “This guy is a jerk”  and “I can’t wait to tell my sister about this.”

And then he got mad.  He started to clench and unclench his fists (you might think I’m exaggerating, but I promise you I’m not!).  I looked over to Conrad hoping for a little backup and found him happily stuffing a hot dog smothered in ketchup down his throat.   In the noise of the crowd he was completely oblivious to the entire situation.  I was on my own.    Through clenched teeth The Thug said, “Ok.  You’ve stated your opinion.”  and I remember thinking, “Really?  Is that the best line you could come up with?”  I don’t think he’s used to having a 5’3″ woman stare him down like that.  I think he was intimidated.

Then I decided to be the nicer person in the situation.  I mean I am a pastor’s wife, after all.  And I introduced him to Conrad who was guzzling lemonade.  I said, “Let me introduce you to my husband, Conrad”  and no joke, The Thug looks at Conrad and says, “You got somethin’ to say to me?  You got somethin’ to say to ME?” in a Jersey accent!  I’m not making this up, people!  And poor Conrad didn’t know what was going on.  I tried my best to redeem the situation, I really did.  But, well, there just wasn’t any redeeming it.

So I turned around and wiped ketchup off the faces of my little girls, and found that my hands were trembling just a little bit.




4 responses

16 10 2009

Could you get me his phone number? I may be able to use his services on occasion.

16 10 2009

Sorry Dad. Didn’t think it was appropriate to ask for his phone number.

16 10 2009

i don’t know whether to rant about some people, or just laugh at your ability to tell the story. 🙂 oh my. i’m glad you escaped. i think my favourite part was imagining Conrad…happily eating his hotdog while his wife is defending the property. 🙂 way to go, Vicki. 🙂

19 10 2009

This cracks me up. I really would love to see a video clip of this on youtube. Good job. 🙂

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